youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Quick, to the slutcave!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
