I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I forget how to act sober
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
