Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
