I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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