I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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