I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
