1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
