I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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