Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize