I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
