I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
