Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i was born a porn star she said
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
