youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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