Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
