4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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