tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
