I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
