I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
