Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
