there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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