Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
