while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
