I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
