fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
