I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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