The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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