I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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