She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize