I'm gonna have a badass scar
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
