Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
