Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
