dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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