she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
