Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
