Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
