so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
