just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize