She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
