did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
