I wanna bring you to show and tell
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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