I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
