apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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