hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
