My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
