I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
