Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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