That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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