Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
