Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
