I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize