i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm like, not good at living.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
