Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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