I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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