What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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