i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
