Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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