If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
