just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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