what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
