my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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