my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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