i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize