Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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