like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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