did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
