I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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