I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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