Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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