I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
