my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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