just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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