Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Drunk is not a location!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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